As I read John 12 this time my focus tuned into the father son relationship between Jesus and God. Jesus had the perfect relationship with His Father.
I did not have a good relationship with my dad. Growing up, it seemed I couldn’t do anything right yet, I often heard him praise my little brother who was “just like daddy”, I heard my dad say that many times about my brother to his friends. I never heard my dad say anything like that about me. I did what my dad told me out of fear, never really feeling any love from my dad and I can remember thinking when I was little that I hated him. Now at the age of 60 I know better, my dad always loved me deeply, he just doesn’t know how to express his love. He didn’t realize the favoritism that he showed my little brother hurt me deeply. I love my dad and forgive him for everything. But I’ve always wished for a closer relationship with him. My dad has always been very critical of me, and I’ve grown to be critical of him in my heart, it’s ingrained in me. This spilled out into how I perceive everything.
My whole life, I’ve never wanted to talk to my dad and still today when I’m in his presence I often feel fear deep within. Everybody wanted to talk to Jesus because they heard special words coming from this man teaching about a love greater than anything they ever thought possible. Jesus believed in God’s love for Him and imitated this love to the people around him.
I worked hard at having a different relationship with my children than I have with my dad. I have fun with my kids, and they are not afraid to be in my presence. They also don’t hesitate to tell me I’m wrong about something. I speak with a loving attitude, and I listen listen, love love. It’s important that I seek to understand rather than be understood with my family and everybody else. My dad never took the time to get to know me, it wasn’t important to him. My dad believes that as the child, it was my responsibility to know and obey him.
I’m thankful that my heavenly Father knows me, He does understand me. In return I take time to know Him and understand Him. He orchestrated people and circumstances in my life years ago that brought me to a place where I actually heard His voice. In verse 28 it says that a voice came from heaven and the crowd standing there heard it and many said it was thunder. How many times did God speak to me before I heard him? I’m so thankful God has opened the eyes of my heart so I may hear His voice. Thankful He brought light into my dark world.
When I read God‘s word I just want to read more, I love the wisdom that God is sharing with me through his written words and His ministry through Jesus. I know He is with me and cares about my well-being. God‘s love has helped me to not see my dad with a critical heart but a loving heart. Growing up all I ever wanted to do is please my dad and find favor in his eye and hear him say that he was proud of me or happy with me, some kind of acknowledgment that he even liked me. Even still today I desire that, and even though my dad doesn’t say those words I think I know they’re true.
If we listen, we hear God speaking loving encouraging words to us because: He loves us, is proud of us, wants to spend time with us, wants to listen to us, wants to understand us, wants to help us, wants to bless us, and His promises for our lives go on and on. Because I spend time with my Father in heaven I’m not the critical person I used to be, critical thoughts are not my default any longer. If a critical thought does pop into my mind, I pray. I cannot control the first thought that pops in my head, but my second thought is within my control, but I often need God’s help. I want to love like Jesus loves, like our Father God loves.